Not my job 馃槀
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
okay run it by me one more time
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
No I don鈥檛 have Tourette鈥檚. I just stubbed my toe
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’