Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
You Might Also Like
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Owl Sanctuary
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
FRED: right
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
can’t wait til they legalize outside