I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years