Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
You Might Also Like
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Festive toon…
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.