The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.