Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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i think my razor is having a panic attack
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Yoga Matt
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Accurate
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan