<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
What a kind woman! 😂😂
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“no gods no masters” = leo
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.