Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.