Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!