5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies