While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Who.
Did.
This?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.