Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.