Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?