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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Ha.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.