Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
You Might Also Like
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]