I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time