If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there