What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.