I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really