wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Good morning y’all ☀️
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.