Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Tastes like chicken.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.