If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
You Might Also Like
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.