when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
peak technology
That time Alicia messaged me
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Nose
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Happy weekend !
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.