I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.