But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.