There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.