The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
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yeah no that’s fair
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Today’s Times
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ