people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
You Might Also Like
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”