Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
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my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Still a very good boi….
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.