opening a flower shop called women in stem
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.