*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Not helping
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
groan^2
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.