[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!