a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice