Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.