The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.