Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate