Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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the three genders
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.