him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Shower sex be like:
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
wait.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.