INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You Might Also Like
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.