Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.