If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
You Might Also Like
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
cry laughing at this shit
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.