“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.