I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?