I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.