once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
😎 🍻
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
❤️❤️❤️
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.