A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The Friday File.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Sorry I made promises on Friday
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn