If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”