Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.