me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
You Might Also Like
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Dear Lord..
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”