*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
😂💯
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.